Con muốn đi tu, mẹ lại không muốn, phải làm sao đây!

Trong Học Viện tôi đang ở, tại Roma, có một thầy người Pháp. Thầy ấy từng học về kinh tế thời đại học và có đi làm một vài năm, sau đó nhận thấy được Chúa mời gọi, và xin đi tu. Vấn đề khó khăn là từ người mẹ! Mẹ không muốn.

… Lắng lo và thiện cảm

Thời gian trôi kể cũng nhanh. Thầy ấy ở trong Nhà Dòng đến nay cũng được 5 năm, ở cộng đoàn tại Roma mới gần 1 năm thôi. Thế mà hai tháng trước, mẹ từ Pháp sang Ý thăm con. Thầy ấy lo lắng lắm.

Khi người mẹ tới và ở trong phòng khách của nhà Dòng vài ngày, có ăn chung với các cha các thầy vài bữa, vẻ mặt của người mẹ vẫn “lạnh lắm”. Người mẹ chỉ nói được tiếng Pháp, không biết tiếng Ý, nói được chút tiếng Anh, nhưng không thích dùng tiếng Anh. Các cha các thầy cố gắng bắt chuyện, ai không biết tiếng Pháp, thì chơi tiếng Anh, nhưng người mẹ tỏ ra không muốn đáp từ. Có cha thầy giỏi tiếng Pháp, tới tiếp chuyện, người mẹ cũng tỏ ra không mặn mà gì cho lắm.

Thế rồi mấy ngày cũng trôi qua… trong sự lo lắng của thầy. Khi người mẹ chào tạm biệt con để trở về nhà bên Pháp, thầy ấy vui mừng lắm, viết ngay một lá thư cám ơn các anh em trong cộng đoàn. Nội dung dài, nhưng tóm tắt thế này: Trước khi mẹ tới, mình lo lắm, không biết rồi chuyện gì sẽ xảy ra. Nhưng cho tới giờ phút này, tạ ơn Chúa và cám ơn anh em rất nhiều, vì mẹ nói là có thiện cảm với mọi người. Thế cũng đủ làm thầy ấy mãn nguyện.

… Ngược trở lại quá khứ

Thầy ấy là con đầu lòng, và có một em trai nữa. Người em trai đã lấy vợ và có một cháu nhỏ. Thực tế, người mẹ thương thầy ấy nhất. Thầy ấy biết rõ điều ấy. Thầy thật lòng chia sẻ: Thưa anh em, ngày trước, có lần mình từng nghĩ, nếu mình lấy vợ, thì không biết vợ sẽ sống thế nào với mẹ, và mình cũng không biết rồi sẽ đối xử thế nào đồng thời với mẹ và vợ.

Nhưng rồi, mình đi tu, mình cảm thấy khó khăn chừng nào đối với mẹ. Mẹ không muốn rời con. Mẹ muốn giữ chặt lấy người con yêu quý. Ngày thầy ấy quyết định đi vào Dòng, mẹ đã không thể chịu được. Mẹ nghĩ rằng: Tại sao Chúa lại có thể “lấy đi, cướp đi” đứa con của mẹ như thế được? Tên thầy ấy là Pierre (nghĩa là Phêrô). Người mẹ nghĩ rằng, tại sao Chúa lại có thể lấy đi đứa con Phêrô của mẹ, để làm viên đá mà xây dựng Giáo Hội? Làm như thế, Chúa không có fair-play!

Nhưng mà, kệ! Thầy ấy đi là đi, lên đường là lên đường. Có lẽ suốt 5 năm qua, mẹ cũng buồn nhiều, cũng trống trải nhiều, cũng lặng thầm nhiều. Có lẽ mẹ cũng có điều gì đó đổi khác khi nhìn về đứa con của mình, có điều gì đó đổi khác khi nhìn về Chúa. Thầy ấy không dám chắc, vì mẹ tính sẵn là “hiền, lỳ, và bản lĩnh lắm”. Người “con gái Pháp mà”, không dễ chơi đâu!

Kể ra thì, từ chỗ nghĩ tiêu cực và chống đối, đến chỗ chấp nhận, và tới được một nhận xét là “có thiện cảm”, kể cũng là quãng đường dài của một tâm hồn. Thêm lời cầu nguyện cho thầy ấy và cho người mẹ. Kể ra thì, để đo tấm lòng người mẹ, cũng khôn lường…

Tứ Quyết SJ

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